Exactly one year later.. and I'm still trying.

So here I am a week into another New Year, and nothing has really changed. I'm still really overweight, and am actually at my heaviest at 234 pounds. But I'm trying again. And there's no time like a new year to get things in gear.

I have goals. Eventually I want to lose 70 pounds. I want to start exercising more and really watching my food intake. I want to start running. I'll never do marathons, but I do have a 5K in mind in September if not before.

It still isn't easy. I still love bad food far too much. For example, today I made macaroni and cheese for the husband for lunch. I had a pork chop and a fruit and grain bar, so I saved some mac and cheese for later for my supper, and I ate two bites off of the spoon while putting it away. And it was so good, it took a lot of willpower not to eat the "saved" bowl right away. But I didn't. Maybe sometime it'll get easier not to eat all the things or all the bad things. One step at a time, I guess.

I had foot surgery in August, and while it went well, it's still numb in places which may be permanent, and I have what's called a reverse bunion on that foot so my feet are kind of sensitive. What I have learned is that have to be picky about my tennis shoes now, and yeah, they might be a little expensive, but I NEED proper footwear and most of the time it doesn't come cheap.

I'm still hoping to join the YMCA in a couple weeks. Husband insists I don't need a gym membership, that I "should be able to do it on your own" but with the Iowa weather still not being tropical all year round and my tendonitis from falling on the ice, I'm gonna quietly disagree. And when I said I just wanted a treadmill the response I got was "we don't have the room." Which is true, but then why would you not support a gym membership where I can run safely indoors? I give up trying to understand at times.

So, to make a long story somewhat short, I'm back at it. And here's another photo. This is the lovely bathroom mirror selfie.

'til next time, loves.

New year, new goal. Well. Sort of.

Ah, yes. A new year means new resolutions, or making the same ones over and over. At any rate, the new year is a good time to start the weight loss healthy living stuff again. And I deliberately didn't make a post right on New Year's Day so I'd have some time to get going and maybe have some progress.

And yes, I do have some. I've lost 2 pounds since last week (down to 215), and while I haven't taken any other measurements as of late because I can't find the tape measure (again) I know I feel slimmer, at least a bit in my hips and maybe my gut. It's progress and I'll take it. It motivates me.

Also, on another bit of good news, I've managed to quit pop/soda and caffeine. I haven't had any caffeinated pop in 4 days, which is progress. I cut back and then managed to cut it out entirely. It wasn't easy, though. New Year's eve and day I had migraines and was sick like no one's business, and then I had digestive issues and spent most of the first three days of 2014 in bed. But I'm feeling better, and I'm determined to stick with it. I drink a lot of water, and sometimes I drink kool aid and lemonade, but not too much as I don't need all the extra sugar. I'm also cutting back on alcohol. Not that I think I drink a lot, but still, that can be a lot of empty calories a night.

Haven't gotten around to actually exercising yet. In my sort of defense, my husband just went back to work Monday after a two week vacation, and my son went back to school today after a delay yesterday for the extreme cold. The inclement weather is also why I haven't went on a walk lately. On Monday the high temp here was -12 F, which wasn't fit for exercise for man or beast. Maybe I'll get some exercise in later, after I eat more and get some more chores done.

And today you get pictures! The first one is of me today. Not the best quality, but when you're asking an autistic almost 8 year old to take your picture, you take what you can get.

And I won't post this picture all the time, but this is my "goal picture": This is me in June of 2001, at my best friend's wedding.

And the funny thing is, I thought I was fat there. (I've had weight issues for a long time). That dress is a size 12, which most people would still think of as plus size. Which I would love to get into now. I still have that dress, mostly so I can maybe fit into it again. By the way, my weight there (and my goal weight) is 160. So.. 55 pounds to go. Eventually.

Now that I've gotten a blog post typed up, I'd better get offline and get some stuff done. Also, as an aside, my "i" key doesn't want to work right today, I tried to watch what I typed, but if you notice anything weird, that's probably why.)

Til next time, loves.

And I'm back again..and still paddling along..

So, uh.. hi. I'm back again. And as usual, I'm still trying to lose weight/exercise/be healthier overall. So I'm trying again. Why the renewed resolve? Well, there's a few things.
1. I went to a friend's wedding two and a half weeks ago. And trying to find something "nice" to wear when you're a fat chick is hard. And depressing.
2.  I turned 35 last week. And for some reason, that gave me a bigger internal midlife crisis than when I turned 30. Realized that I really need to get my act together.
3.  I'm just really tired of being overweight and out of shape. To be blunt, I don't want to die because of weight caused problems, such as heart disease and such. And you'd think I would know better earlier, since both of my parents died of heart related problems.

Anyway, I'm trying again. I choose today because it's Monday, and the beginning of a new week, and it's a good day to start my 3 day a week phone running app. It's also Veteran's/Remembrance Day, and my dad and grandfather were both war veterans, so it's always an important day for me. So if I ever have to think back to when I started, I can say, Veteran's Day, because I am horrendously forgetful.

So I said way back when that I wanted to do the couch to 5K program. Now that I have a new phone that works decently, I found an app for it. And I did the first workout today! I really felt like an idiot jogging because I'm fat and somewhat self conscious running, but I kept going. I also run in the neighborhood where I live (a manufactured home community) so while it's still streets and houses, it's not going through a really public area, which I like better. Really I'm just making lots of big laps.. Anyway, I feel good now that I've accomplished the first day, but I know I'll be really sore tomorrow. But I seemed to stand a little straighter on my cool down, like, "oh, yeah, I ran. I've got this..." I know that eventually it'll be less jogging and more running, and a longer distance to get me up to 3 miles, but hey, one day at a time. What sucks: I found after doing some research that my "free" app is only good for the first 2 weeks of the nine week program, but it's only a little under two dollars to upgrade. I'll just have to buy some prepaid credit for my phone soon. (I can always use the rest to buy upgrades for my Simpsons phone game. But that's another story. :) And thankfully today I got home just as it was starting to rain/snow. That's supposed to stop, but it's supposed to be unseasonably cold. Ah, winter in Iowa. I'm a little worried as to how well I'll be able to run as winter approaches. I don't have any where to run distances indoors unless I join the Y, and I'm waiting until after tax season to do that, as I maybe can get a discounted rate. But the only indoor track the Y has is a branch about 5 miles away, and if I don't want to run in the bad weather I sure don't want to drive in it. I'm also leery about running outside as I fell on the ice one winter and messed up my arm, so that's not exactly something I want to repeat. I'll just have to see. Maybe I could use the local Y and use a treadmill. I'll cross that bridge later. (Sooner if I can find my copy of last year's tax forms..)

Well, I was going to post a picture of me today as kind of a "before" picture, but I didn't like it because of my ratty sweatshirt, so I'll see if I can get a picture taken tomorrow to post next week. But since I'm brutally honest about my weight/size/etc, here's my stats this week.

Weight: 221 pounds
Bust: 46 inches
Thighs: 23 inches
hips: 52.5 inches
Waist: 47.25 inches
BMI: 34.6

And so, onward. Til next week!

Got kicked off the horse, have to get back on..

I'm back, finally. A couple months of troubles with depression and not giving a damn about what I ate or the consequences, and I'm now I'm back on the horse, so to speak. I'm back to watching what I eat, and making an effort to think about what I eat, and trying to exercise.

It's still hard. I'm not a fan of much that's healthy for me, but I'm trying, little by little. I'm cutting back on caffeine again. Right now I'm still drinking some "regular" and some caffeine free, then I'll work on cutting out the whole soda thing and all the chemicals. Or maybe I'll just go cold turkey now and see what happens.

Going to try the "couch to 5K" thing. I'm putting the app on my phone as I can connect to GPS while I'm out, which my ipod doesn't like to do. I hope to start that today after we get home from all the errands. Hopefully someday I'll be able to dust off and use the taebo dvd that's collecting dust as well. I hate doing workout dvds when my kids are home, as I always have an audience and plenty of commentary. But I'll try tomorrow.

Here's to hopefully a good day.

up, down, whatever..

It's been a bit of a rough week for me. Ate a few too many naughty foods and carbs, and with most of the weight I lost being water weight, I have no idea what to believe, weight number wise. Of course, eating healthy and being healthy isn't all about scale numbers, so I try not to fret too much. Ye olde bathroom digital scale this morning said I weighed 214 naked, and the wii fit said this afternoon I weighed 208, and that included a -2 pound thingy for my clothes. Part of this is why I want to buy a new scale, but that's another daunting task these days. Seems everything has got some new gadget or monitor or what not, which is why I'm waiting to buy a new scale. Plus, the old one does work, I just wonder about its accuracy.

Like I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I've broken out the wii fit again. When I put in the new "wii fit plus" program I got Sunday, it was so kind to tell me that we had owned the wii fit for 3 years, and the last time I logged in was over a year ago. Oops. Anyway, I've been doing about 20 minutes or so of that the last two days. I like the variety of the programs, and the fact that I can do it in the privacy of my son's room and only look stupid to me. Hopefully it'll help. It can't hurt.

I know that I have a lot of weight to lose. I try not to dwell on it too much, because then I overthink things, and usually talk myself down instead of up. But when I hear that an appropriate weight for my height and not be considered "overweight" is 150 pounds, realizing I have 58 pounds to go is, yes, hard to think about. But as I constantly have to remind myself, losing weight is a marathon not a sprint, and the weight went on slowly, so it'll come off slowly. I just have to keep plugging along, making good food choices and exercising. Not always fun, but necessary.

I do notice changes. I feel a little slimmer. My clothes fit better. No articles have fallen off (yet) but I notice when I go for my daily walks that it seems, well, easier. Not that I'm suddenly going to start running marathons, but I can walk a little bit faster now.

Now after a morning of cleaning and exercising, I'm going to take the afternoon off, and I see some Epic Mickey in my future, because I have the house to myself and a decent wii remote.

Til later, loves.

Tuesday weight in, and misc.

I decided that since my initial last really accountable weigh in was last Tuesday, the 12th, I figured that on Tuesdays I'd post my weight, and anything else I see fit. Maybe I'll only update on Tuesdays, unless something dramatic happens, or I forget on Tuesday (more than likely...) Anyway, here's today's weight. 211!

I'm down 9 pounds from a week ago. I know that it might not all stay off, because a lot of it might be because I've pretty much made a drastic change and cut out all soda, which the sugar and chemicals and crap add on a lot of weight. I also am realistic that I won't have this great of a week every week, but as one of my friends says regarding weight loss, "It's a marathon, not a sprint."

I've been drinking a lot more water, especially at home. It's a little harder at work, because the soda fountain machine is right there, and easy, but I've managed to resist so far. I still do have some sweet stuff, such as a glass of kool aid or some pink lemonade, but I try not to have too much because of the fake sugars and such. All in moderation, I say.

I've just tried to eat better in general. More vegetables and fruits, less mayo and sweets. Sometimes I still do have "bad things", I just know that I can't have as much, and also not all the time. I had some hardcore cravings at work last night. My favorite sandwich (which isn't really good for me) smelled so good, and that peanut butter cookie.. I was so tempted. But I didn't eat any of it.

I'd like to get some more exercise started. I hate it with a passion, but it needs to be done. I have a taebo dvd that I want to try, but we'll see about when. I want to start taking daily walks, but lately I've been walking to the store to get stuff that I keep forgetting. It's a little over a half mile to the store and back. It's been unseasonably cold this spring, and today especially, I'm not really in the mood to walk anywhere. I know it's good for me, but brrr.. -_-

That's about it for now, I guess. Progress! And just gotta keep on going.

I'd better start somewhere..

..and I guess this is as good a place as any. Hello. I'm Helene. And I've struggled with my weight most of my life. But I want and need to change that, so here goes. Here's some of my backstory along with my goals, thoughts and other things.

Right now I'm 34 years old, 5 foot 6. I weigh 220 pounds and my BMI is 35.5 which puts me at obese on the BMI chart. But I don't need a plug in the numbers calculator website to tell me what I already know. I am fat.

And I hate it.

Most of the time I make light of it, saying, "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy." or "I know I'm a big girl. I've always been a big girl." But when I take a good hard look in the mirror, I see things I don't want to see. And I hate myself. I struggle with depression, and having body issues doesn't help matters. I told myself I would never let myself get this way. And I have. But now, I want to change that.

Like I mentioned earlier, I've always been a bigger girl. I remember wearing a size 9 when I WAS 9. But during my school years I never really openly struggled with my weight. I always knew I was bigger than the thinner, more popular girls, but I never really obsessed about size or numbers on a scale. I just ate what I wanted. I wasn't really an active child. I know I'd run around outside with a ball or ride my bike down the road, and go for walks, but I'd much rather have stayed inside with a book, reading and daydreaming. I remember looking at a picture of myself when I was about 18 and thinking I was fat. But it still didn't really affect me. 

After college, I moved down to Iowa and eventually got married. I've been married for 10 years, and have two young children, a 9 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. When I was pregnant with my son, I weighed about 160 pounds. I gained 40 pounds, lost it quickly, gained it back from new mom inactivity and I believe my birth control shot. I was in the middle of losing it again when I got pregnant with my daughter. (Around 180 pounds or so.) I didn't really gain that much weight with her, only about 15 pounds, and she was 6 of them. Another birth control shot and more inactivity along with more horrible eating, and my weight grew.

I knew it, of course, but like I mentioned, denial is a strong thing. I've known for at least the last 3 years that I really should get serious about losing weight and getting healthy, but it's always "tomorrow". Or "later". There's always some excuse. Well, now that time is over. I actually registered the domain name for this blog probably about six months or so ago, but am now just getting to starting on it and getting serious about it. Because I have to get started. No more excuses.

I know it won't be easy. There's not going to be any "endorsements" or "special diet plan" I'm following except for a sensible balanced diet and exercise. But I love food, especially food that's bad for me. I love fried food and desserts. I'm also lazy. I'll admit it. I hate exercise. I'd much rather be sitting on the computer, or sitting on the couch with a good book or watching my favorite tv show or movie. But I need to get up, get active, and stop being lazy.

Why am I doing this, finally? Well, like the url of this blog says, I'm really going this for me. My health needs to be a priority for me for a change. Especially if I want to enjoy life and want to see my kids grow up and have children of their own. Which didn't get to happen for me and my parents.

Since I believe I've rambled on enough for now, I'll wrap it up. Here's to hopefully productive day ahead.